Wooing a Domme Online


That I've tended to get along with dominant women online is the only qualification I can claim for the following.

Why Don't They Ever Reply?

Poor fellow, you've emailed countless Dommes and none of them write back.

What is wrong with them? You've expressed your willingness to do "anything." What more could they ask?

Really the question is what is wrong with your or at least your presentation of yourself?

Mr. I'll Do Anything, there are plenty of you out there. It is as if you are a legion of clones. Any dominant woman that responds to your email is apt to be a beginner. Within a month promises of being willing to do anything will only prove to her that she doesn't want anything to do with you.

Who are you?

Are you a masochist or submissive? Most likely you are a bit of both. But there are pure masochists and sadists who only giggle at words like slave and Mistress.

Are you really submissive? Stop saying you'll do anything. Probably you won't. Will pleasing another, serving her satisfy you deeply, make you happy? Even if you don't get to live your every fantasy?

Or is it really having your shopping list of tortures and humiliations filled that matters most to you? Many would disagree but there's no crime in that. But you need to be honest with yourself before you can be honest with the people you approach online.

While some Dommes are only looking for lifestyle slaves others seek play partners. You'll need to make sure you approach women whose desires complement yours.

Presenting Yourself

Use Yahoo Geocities or similar service and create a simple web page. Write about your needs and desires. If you aren't able to write discursively and personally put up a simple slave's checklist.

The checklist is a simple list of fetishes and kinks. For each item note how you feel:

  • Boot Worship: Like very much.
  • Whipping: Not sure.
  • Water Sports: Not at all.

Let her know if you see D/s as a lifestyle or a form of play.

If you have more detailed feelings express them. The more honestly felt words you present about yourself the better your chances of meeting a compatible Domme. And there's nothing to be gained by trying to meet someone you can't satisfy or that would be inappropriate for you. Aside from the checklist you really should have a few paragraphs describing yourself and your interests outside of D/s. Funnily enough most dominant women are looking for individuals. And while she may want to know how you look in petticoats she probably wants a guy who is a man.

You do read stories of women who reduce men to 24/7 sissymaids and permanent cuckolds. Often I've suspected these were men living out their fantasies by creating an online faux-Domme persona that enforces them.

Writing Her

If her she calls herself Lady Sarah then your email should probably begin civilly and conventionally enough with "Dear Lady Sarah." Addressing her as Mistress implies a relationship with her that you've yet to earn.

State clearly and specifically what - if it was anything other than propinquity - that motivated you to write to her.

Tell her something about yourself. More than just your cravings: that is just being pushy. Being polite is more important than being humble. Abasing yourself is, again, being presumptuous. And if you've created a web page as I suggested above close your email with the URL.

Courting a Domme in certain respects is much like courting anyone. The more selfhood, charm, humor and intelligence you convey the more you will seem worthy of attention. Being boring isn't a victimless crime.

You may get only a polite "No thanks" but that is better than dead silence.

One last tip: don't send her a photo of your phallus unless invited to.

This is a first draft. I hope to expand, amend and emend it. Your suggestions, criticisms are invited.

Dominance & Submission in a Vacuum


Terms like Domme and Submissive Require Context

You may be a parent but not everyone is your child.

You may be the president of a company but not everyone in the world is your employee.

When seeking to establish dialogue with strangers about D/s, ( - LFA, FLR, S&M - ) focus on the essentials. How dominance and submission fit into your romantic life.

And your general humanness and personality.

Leave secondary issues like titles and extremely minor matters like capitalization protocol until a meaningful conversation is established.

You are a dominant or submissive person only in relationship to specific people. Not to the human race at large. Don’t think in terms of honorifics and power exchange etiquette until there is a real connection between you and the person you are talking to.

Focus on being one person communicating with another.

Femdom Personals on Craigslist


Take at a personal ad on Craigslist by a dominant woman. Did she say she was looking for a man who :

  • Is worthless
  • Would do anything
  • Send a cock photo

No? Then don’t write her if you think you are valueless, don’t offer to do anything or send her unsolicited amateur erotic photography.

See how long her listing is. Why don’t you try making your response about that long by addressing the issues she does raise?

Use MS Word or another word-process than has spellchecking. Capitalize. Don’t use an ellipsis ( … ) like a comma or period.

Use traditional opening and closings like “Dear [Name}” and “Yours [whatever].”

Do not address her as Mistress unless she is using that as a title. Many women reserve that term for the man she is in a relationship. She certainly is not (yet) your relationship.

All of the above is true in many venues but seem markedly true in the D/s personals on Craigslist.

Don't Send Penis Photographs to Women


Mz. Carmen in writing why many submissive men never get a response from their personal ads:

Penis pictures - seriously do you think this is going improve your changes of getting a reply?

The reason women do not respond to your Ad

I know this one all too well myself. Back when I was looking to meet guys online I’d get this sort of unsolicited testimony of anatomical normality.

One clever fellow lay his across his Microsoft keyboard so I’d be better able to estimate his phallus’ magnitude. He was a bit demented: he sent me that photograph at least a half-dozen times.

Now, I was advertising as vanilla gay male top and I didn’t welcome this kind of reduction to the minimal. Imagine how a woman - any woman, dominant or not - feels when confronted with a picture of an elongated blob of flesh.

Look guys, penises aren’t rare: billions of people have one. And very few of them are uniquely beautiful.

If you think the most interesting thing about yourself is your cock then you must be a mighty boring man. There’s no reason for a woman to want to meet you so you might as well just give up.

Writing to a Domme : 10 Guidelines


Caveat 1: This approach will not necessarily work for all Dommes but we feel we were open enough in our suggestions that at the very least, the Domme you contact should not accuse you of disrespect or trolling. At the very least, we would hope not. We are hoping other Dommes will contribute to this with their own advice, opinions, needs, etc.

Caveat 2: The examples we give here should NOT be copied & pasted and used as your own. You should simply find inspiration in them. We hope you will retain the spirit in which these examples are written and personalise them to represent yourself accurately.

Sample introduction letter

Dear Lady,

I have read your profile from beginning to end, not once but twice, to ensure that I didn't overlook anything. I realize that you took the time to write your profile so that others may learn from it.

My first impression of you is that you are a woman deserving respect and only the best. That said I am sincerely hoping that through my interactions, I might show you that I am worthy of your time, affections and dominance.

I would very much like if we could get better acquainted, the how, when, where and pace I leave as your final decision. But if I may humbly propose that whatever is convenient for you, be it, emails, instant messages, chatting, phones calls, meeting for coffee, would be more than satisfactory for me. I understand fully that a lady of your stature does not make rash decisions and that I must prove myself worthy of your time. I understand that things may or may not progress at a pace of your comfort level. I humbly agree to abide by whatever attentions you wish to grant me.

If you will grant me the privilege of meeting you I promise to meet whatever requirements you may have of me. I understand that your safety is of paramount concern and will gladly respect whatever method you deem to be appropriate.

1. Be clear about what you are seeking.

  • Do you want a D/s or S&M play relationship?
  • Do you want a monogamous relationship and eventually perhaps a lifetime commitment?
  • Are you unsure about what you seek, and will leave that to the two of you to determine?

a) If the Domme you are contacting is not looking for applications, respect this! You can write to her and tell her that you realise she isn't looking for applicants but that nonetheless you appreciate her profile and simply wanted to let her know. You can also ask her if she has time to or an interest in entertain a friendship with no strings attached. Do not be pushy! FYI: Dommes do not keep waiting lists of potentials so don't ask to be put on one. However if you are friends first she may take interest at a later date.

b) If the Domme you are contacting has stated what she is looking for and it is not what you are looking for, move to the next profile and don't try and change her mind. Nothing is more insulting then a sub who wants to convince us of something we don't want.

c) If the Domme you are contacting hasn't said what she is looking for, you might want to ask her politely in your letter of introduction. If she doesn't respond to this, you might want to just keep looking. There is no guarantee that because someone states she is a Domme that she has it all together. Use your judgement.

2. State what attracted you particularly about her profile.

This is important. If the profile attracted you, it is important that you say why. Many of us take the time to write good profiles explaining who we are and what it is that we are looking for as well as our views on life and then BDSM dynamics.

The above is critical. Do NOT limit your attraction to solely our photo. That shows that you are superficial and vain. Most Dommes know they are beautiful, but wish to be appreciated for things other than our appearances.

Here are a few examples or what you might write:

a) In reading your profile I was impressed by your comment about "such and such" and found it to raise feelings of understanding and agreement within me. It was as if we were on the same page.

b) I believe that we share a similar view of dominance & submission and I have a feeling that it goes beyond that. It would be a privilege to discuss such issues with you and explore our compatibility.

c) When you stated that you wanted a submissive who held similar non-kinky interests as you I was pleased. I am delighted to see that you share my enthusiasm for "such and such".

You should draw parallels when possible. For example, if she mentions she likes to sail, and you have a sailboat, perhaps a short description of it would be good here.

3. Be truthful about your current status and obligations.

If you are married, have kids, have personal obligations, are willing to or not willing to relocate, have religious or social obligations or have time constraints, put them all on the table from the get go. A reasonable Domme will appreciate your honesty and decide whether or not she can work within potential limitations. If you get a negative response because you tried to communicate this, then just take a deep breath and move along. (You might however want to make sure her profile doesn't say "no married men" or "only local men" or "must be willing to relocate"). Honesty will always be the best policy.

4. Be truthful about your former experience.

Be honest about what you have experienced. Don't sugar coat it. Give a certain amount of detail but don't go overboard. This is an introduction letter. Also, if your experience is limited to Pro's or online experiences say so.

5. State what it is you are willing to offer.

Before you write what you want, write what you want to offer. This isn't a D/s thing. This is simply a courtesy thing. No one wants a selfish sub that lists only his/her desires. When we get a message that starts off with "Hello Mistress, I'm a slave boy into CBT, humiliation, and love being turned into your own private whore with your strap-on" we tend to either click delete or respond with something unpleasant like "go away, do-me sub". You have to woo a Domme. Write it from the heart. List what it is you want and not what it is that you think she wants. This also includes writing about your limits.

Here are a few examples or what you might write:

a) I am happy to offer whatever services you may require in exchange for nothing other than your happiness and the personal satisfaction of knowing that I pleased you in some small way.

b) My pleasure would be to give you pleasure. I find a life of servitude rewarding. I would very much like to learn which ways I would best be able to serve you.

c) I am a masochist who would consider it a privilege to lend my body to such a woman as yourself, for your pleasure and mutual enjoyment. My limits are "such & such".

6. List your skills.

You might want to write something such as "My skills and talents lie in the areas of (cleaning, ironing, chauffeuring, handyman, etc)." You can also list the skills you wish to develop. If your skills are in your profile and you want to be succinct in your initial note, you can say something along the lines of "if it pleases you Miss, please refer to my profile to see my list of skills"

7. List your interests.

It is important that you also put a short paragraph about your vanilla interests. If it is a relationship you are seeking, chances are, you will be spending equal if not much more time outside the kink zone then in it. Deciding whether the ultimate date is going to see the ballet or a ballgame might be something you want to clear up ahead of time. Even if it is not a relationship that you are seeking, for most Dommes, we appreciate knowing that there is more then a piece of flesh to you.

8. Avoid negativity.

The title says it all but here are a few basics to check for:

  • Don't put negative comments about other Dommes in your message. You are addressing a Domme you wish to impress and she doesn't particularly care about the other Dommes you've contacted.
  • Don't use a jaded tone. An eager (not overly eager) and positive tone is always appreciated.
  • Don't complain about how you have such a hard time finding the right Domme.

9. Revise for grammar & spelling.

When you are chatting, things can slip. Even little posts here or there. But when you are trying to put your best foot forward, isn't she worth a few extra minutes of double-checking? A message full of typos gives the impression of negligence and carelessness.

Also, many Dommes have mentioned on these boards and in other forums that they are not fond of chat lingo such as "It wood B so gr8 2 serve U Ma'am". In your first correspondence however, it might be better to assume that she won't appreciate it. If she responds to you using the lingo, then it's a good sign that it's fine. You might even want to ask her early on what her thoughts on it are.

Some Dommes Like "W/we " and online protocol others detest it. A good rule of thumb is look at how their profile is written. If it contains it, use it, if not, don't!

10. Keep your messages short or parse them to avoid them being truncated.

If you have a very heavy message, chances are it might get truncated. You may want to keep the first message relatively short (especially if your profile mentions already a lot about you). But if you feel you have a lot to say, you might want to email a Part I and Part II (note that this might turn some Dommes off). You might also want to add your other email address (yahoo, hotmail, etc) for further correspondences as the messages can run a little longer.

Every Domme is different but these guidelines should work with most and might help you find Your place without wasting each other's time. Good luck with Your search.

(Attributed to Maitresse Eden and Lady Angelika.)

Responding to Profiles


Spendiferous Elizabeth posted a minimal profile on CollarMe: no details, photos, requests - just the bare fact that she is a dominant woman.

There was an avalanche of responses from guys hoping to become her worshipful servant. Her individuality was irrelevant. She was a blank slate on which they would scrawl their fantasies.

Despite their offers of devotion they didn’t give a damn about Elizabeth. The men just want something they could address as Mistress.

This is such a clear picture of all that is bad and sad in F/m personal ads that it almost has the beauty of a mathematical proof.

Note to guys:

When you reply to profiles and personal ads of people who manifest no signs of potential compatibility other than being of the correct gender and power exchange orientation you are only revealing yourself as a stupid jerk. If she hasn’t invited contact, doesn’t state complementary desires you are wasting her time. Perhaps your own: though you may have nothing better to do.

Note to women:

Men whose lusts override decency and sense are a part of vanilla dating online and off. Like other women you should simply weed out the dross: delete their emails. Put them out of your mind. Don’t let the rats ruin your search for a nice fellow.

Potential Partner Checklist


You are thinking of what you need from a dominant or submissive person …

What qualities are important to you?

Which do you need? Which do you want?

Here’s a list:

  • Pure physical attractiveness
  • Near your own age
  • Strong Sadism, Masochism
  • Very dominant, submissive
  • Closely matching sense of D/s roles
  • Qualities outside of D/s
  • Intelligence
  • Intellectual ability
  • Empathy, compassion
  • Responsibility, sense of
  • Physical strength

If they had to add up to 100% what percentage would you give each attribute?

If your list would differ, tell me what you would add, subtract or change.

Cyber Femdom : Virtual or Real?


More and more people look for love on the internet (I’ve had luck myself). This is nowhere truer than in D/s. Kinky men and women acquire virtual mistresses and slaves.

There are people who expect - want - no more than virtual female domination and male submission. Or for some reason cannot translate this part of themselves into their physical life.

Others are looking for quality companionship, enduring romance: someone to be with offline as well via webcam and chat.

A psychologist has crafted a site focusing on interpersonal relationships online. Here’s an extract from his page on Cyberspace Romances.

My guess is that in a “true” romance on the internet, the couple eventually will want to meet each other face-to-face. They may HAVE to meet each other for the relationship to fully develop and to be fully satisfying. For these people, the internet simply was a way to meet each other. I say “simply” but this feature of the internet shouldn’t be underestimated. It is a POWERFUL way for people with compatible interests and personalities to find each other.

There are some people who may NOT want to meet the lover face-to-face. My guess is that these people prefer living with the fantasy that they have created (consciously or unconsciously) about the cyber-lover. The couple may be collaborating in the creation of a mutually satisfying fantasy that portrays themselves in ways very different from how they truly are in reality. They may not want to meet each other face-to-face because the fantasy might be destroyed by the hard facts of reality. Who can say whether this is “wrong” or “dangerous?” Many people allow themselves the luxury of fantasy - either through books, or TV, or movies. And most people don’t confuse this fantasy with reality. A cyber-lover is just another type of “escape fantasy” - only it’s much more interactive, and therefore much more exciting, than the more usual methods.

The Psychology of Cyberspace

Submissive Men Who Write Bad Profiles


In searching for power exchange online you can’t help but shake your head at the wrongheaded, incomplete and foolish profiles some men post.

Man of Cravings

Often handles are a clue. He’ll have a name like KickMyBalls, if not KickMyRightTesticle. He has one fetish and having that particular itch scratch is all he cares about.

Sometimes he’ll write a bit more but insist on one little detail. Like being forced to drink all of the top’s piss.

These poor fellows often wonder why no one takes them up on such wonderful offers.

Mr. Sentence Fragment

I was quite struck by a profile with the headline “relationship important.” Sadly that was the entire profile. Most of us would agree with the sentiment. But think the details more than a little important.

Sometimes a bunch of fragments trail together but it sounds as if the author has a clinical psychological disorder. Really he just can’t - or won’t - bother to express himself.

Ungrammatical Guy

Often the cousin of the preceding. He hates to capitalize or capitalizes words at random. He thinks an ellipsis or dash is as good as a period. The crazy quilt profile that emerges suggests a junk yard more than a mind.

Poet Manqué

Under the illusion he’s a verbal artist this guy is usually just saying he wants sex and lots of it. His failed fanciness doesn’t hide the lack of any qualities a dominant person may be looking for.

Responding to a F/m Personal Ad


Read the profile. Read it again.

Continue reading the profile until you are sure you understand what the person is offering and looking for.

Make sure that you really want what they are offering. Really. Make sure you can meet their needs and desires. Really.

If there really seems to be a match - and don’t waste anyone’s time on wish-fulfillment - then write a concise but informative response.


What the person said that made you think there might be a genuine possibility of bonding. Be honest.

How you meet the other person’s criteria. Be very honest.

Supply any requested information.

Make it clear you are happy to offer whatever else they may need to know.

Check your spelling and grammar.

Hope for the best.

Approaching a Dominant


Mistress Sky has a list of questions to ask yourself before approaching a dominant of which I’ll quote just a couple:

Are you really capable of putting someone’s needs before every single one of yours? - That’s what true submission is, you know. You have to want to do anything and everything, wherever you are, whenever it’s asked of you, to please your chosen Dom/me. They must always come first. Whatever they ask of you, you must do without question…. could you do that?

If, despite all the above, you still feel that it’s for you, you must approach your chosen Dom/me with utter RESPECT. Manners are very important - they show intelligence and sincerity aswell. If you are answering an advert, then answer it properly: Address each point. Be yourself. Above all, be HONEST. If you lie, you’ll defeat the object.

Are you sure?

Your First Date With a Domme

Real Life

Mistress Jen, fresh from some not exactly perfect dates with men wanting to meet a dominant woman offers some advice. Here’s part of her list:

  • 1. Ask her to dinner. Not coffee, not breakfast, not lunch. Dinner.
  • 2. Ask her what food she likes best and what side of town she lives on.
  • 2a. If you have budget issues BE UP FRONT because you have to pay.
  • 3. If you know the restaurants that fit her parameters then suggest one that is quiet and condusive to actually talking.
  • 4. Ask her what personal information she would like to have about you to make her feel comfortable about her safety. License plate number? Phone number? Assure her that you want her to feel safe and that whatever she needs for that is completely

The whole list: Dating Heck

Why Submissive Men Think They Want Cruel Women


I certainly had to deal with his in myself. My guess is that it is the pressure of living too long in fantasy. The more one’s desire remains unfulfilled the crazier your imagination gets.

I am increasingly frustrated in my search for a new submissive male. It seems like my choices are inexperienced men who may or may not turn out to be submissive, or the experienced ones all seem to want the cruel, sadistic, bitch type of Mistress. I am not exactly sure why this is, but my guess is the only role models our culture has for strong women are those who are considered bitches. The perception is powerful women are ruthless, self absorbed, tough and driven. Why does dominance have to equal bitchiness? While I am doing a scene I am demanding, which could be considered bitchy. I am sadistic and mean by intent, as part of a process, but that is not who I am as a person. I am capable, strong, intense, assertive, and confident. I have been told I can be bossy or controlling, but those are not traits I wish to emulate. I am for the most part warm, caring and nurturing; does this make me less dominant? I

Why do submissive men want bitches?

Being Too Passive

Real Life

She may want your submission but to win the right to offer it when you are dating you may also need to be a traditionally attractive dating partner:

Many submissive men are also more passive or would feel more comfortable if a woman took control of the dating process, perhaps. In their perfect world, the interested domina would do the calling, courting, tell him where she wants to go, and even reduce the agonizing "is it appropriate to buy gifts or flowers now?" dilema for men by saying flat out, "You know, I'd love it for you to bring me flowers tonight."

In reality, femdoms quite often still need to be aggressively courted. She may be interested, but if you don't make an effort (and as Laura says, sometimes pulling out all the stops is even better), you may be forgotten, especially if she is being courted by multiple men.

I consider myself pretty aggressive and quite likely to be the pursuer in relationships, but I still do require a certain level of male aggression/courting/romancing, and there have been men that I would have not pursued if they had not aggressively courted me, first.

What this all means is that men -- submissive or not -- should understand that most women do like to be courted. That means calling her (granted, with an understanding that she is interested), taking the initiative on dates, picking places to go, making arrangements, being assertive and proactive on next steps (ie, saying at the end of the night, "I'll give you a call in a couple days" -- and DOING it!), doing romantic things.

Thread: How To Attract A Dominant Woman?

How to Write a Kinky Personal Ad


An excerpt from the beginning of a thread on online kinky online personals:

My journey through personals hell has been grueling, but I have learned a few things! I’m sharing them (most from alt.com but a few other places too) in hopes of helping some poor sot who doesn’t know any better than to be genuine:

How To Get the Most Out of Personals

Be sure to tag your personals ad with a snappy, attention-getter like: “Hey Ladies, let’s get nasty!”

If you are going to use a pic in your profile, use a poorly lit close-up of your penis - with hard-on, of course.

If you have the option of selecting gender of your partners and activities you enjoy - select everything. Even if you don’t know what it means, you might like it!

What I Learned About Personals Ads

Courting a Domme

Real Life

A short extract from an essay by Laura Goodwin:

Not all, but certainly most of the heterosexual dominant women I've known want a guy who's got a lot on the ball. They want to be impressed, and BTW, they want to be made to feel special: to be courted. Sub males have a slightly different script to follow when courting a dominant woman, but it's not *that* different. ...

It is important to be honest about your strengths and weaknesses, if she asks, but keep a *little* mystery, will ya? Don't dump your whole life story, especially in your first conversation/letter. You are trying to get to know her a little, and let her get to know you. If you get a clear, unmistakable sign from her that to her you could possibly be more than a friend, _and_ if you like her, *then* you turn on the charm and do your darnedest to win her over.

Lots of men and women who meet through ads or S/M support groups make the mistake of rushing off to have dinner together. This is wrong. First, take a walk together. If that doesn't quickly become tiresome, then you may get coffee, even lunch together. Then you stop! Then you go home! Send her a note of thanks for the fine company, call on the phone to ask if you may visit again, and leave it up to her. If she doesn't encourage you, give up!

Whole essay: Courting A Dominant Woman

How Do I Meet a Domme


By Lady Julia

"I don't like crowds or chat rooms. I think I'll do better one on one. How can I meet a Domme and how can I impress her when I do?"

Tough question. In D/s - BDSM chat rooms, it's pretty easy to spot a Domme. At munches, you know that the women present are at least D/s - BDSM friendly. If you avoid both, however, the situation isn't hopeless.

Your first obstacle is identifying someone as a Domme and yourself as a submissive. It's not as if we wear signs or don fetish clothing to go to the supermarket (well most of us anyway - smiles). If you're not a chat or group type of person and don't feel comfortable attending a munch, I'd suggest considering the placement of a personal ad. Newspapers in almost all cities of any size accept them. You can also place an ad on a personals site like bondage.com, alt.com, adultfriendfinder.com, etc. (Google "bdsm personals" - there are a LOT of sites out there).

When composing your ad, remember:

  • Be honest. I can't emphasize this enough!
  • Indicate in your ad that you have an interest in D/s and/or BDSM.
  • Be careful not to sound desperate or needy.
  • Be positive about yourself.
  • To protect your privacy and decrease the risk of "outting yourself", use a PO box, a free email account like yahoo, and/or a prepaid cell phone for replies.
  • Be creative when writing your ad. An interesting ad is most likely to garner responses. Consider having someone you trust assist in writing the ad or at least have them read it over. (Sometimes it is difficult to write objectively about yourself - most people usually sell themselves short).

Once your ad is composed, be patient. Don't expect every response to be "the one". Just like any dating situation, it could take awhile to find someone with whom there is mutual interest.

To help form a more favorable impression when you do schedule a meeting (think positive!), remember that Dommes are women. When you're pursuing a relationship, some things are pretty universal. Still... there's a generral "lifestyle etiquette" to consider when approaching most Dommes. Keep the following in mind:

  • Ask her prior to the first meeting to share some general information about her hobbies or interests, what type of work she does, etc. (Be careful to make sure she understands you mean general interests as many Dommes are offended if you ask too soon about their kink interests.) Once you know what she is interested in, learn a little about her interests (not a lot, but enough so that you can carry on an intelligent conversation.)
  • Be prepared. If you are new to D/s - BDSM, read up. Know the terms. She won't expect you to be an expert, but do have a clue :) (The links page on my web site has several links to sites for those new to BDSM.)
  • Ask her how she prefers to be addressed. Don't assume she wants to be called Mistress, Ma'am or any other honorific.
  • Be a boy scout (wink). Courteous, respectful, etc. Offer to pull out her chair, open her car door, etc.) Manners definitely count.
  • Maintain eye contact, smile and try to relax. It's a lot more enjoyable to talk with someone who isn't extremely tense :)
  • Remember she's a person. Everyone likes a sincere compliment, so offer a comment about how much you enjoy her ____ (smile, laugh, quick wit, whatever).
  • Always be HONEST and be yourself. DON'T agree with everything she says (unless by some miracle you actually do agree). Insincerity is a turn off.
  • Ask her if she minds if you ask her questions. (Some like to control the conversation.) If she says yes, asking questions shows her you have an active interest in her.
  • Be prepared to answer her questions (because if she's interested, she will have some). Think ahead of time about some basic things. What interests you about D/s - BDSM? What do you expect from a dominant? What do you have to offer a Domme? What are your limits? (I personally wouldn't ask this on a first meeting, but it's better to have considered the idea than to sit there blankly and say, "I don't have any" if she does ask you).

Lastly... don't get discouraged and don't give up. Positive people seem to attract positive life events :)

(Note - these are just my thoughts. Remember YOU are responsible for YOUR actions. I'm not responsible if you do any of the things outlined above..)

Lady Julia


This is only the first of several articles by Lady Julia on meeting a Domme. The rest can be found on her Dominance and Submission Articles page.

Human to Human : People Aren't Fantasies


Sardax says of The Marquise, “a true amateur in spirit but professional in skill.”

This is from her essay offering tips for inexperienced men looking to meet dominant women.

Think about useful skills, qualities you like about yourself or have been complimented on. It is little different from highlighting your good points in a vanilla relationship. This can be a template for your ad. It can also be used for replying to an ad, but be sure to address the specific criteria that the domina has outlined. …

She isn’t going to be wanting to see photos of your penis: hopefully you have some value to contribute to her life beyond that. And do really make sure that you actually read the ad with the intent to learn about her, not to invest her with your fantasies.

… Doms have interests beyond bdsm. Find out what they are and approach in kind. Be honest, they will find out if you are dissembling and you are ultimately only cheating yourself. Give her some idea of what benefits she may receive from associating with you. Also it is more important that the two of you will be compatible in other ways besides the sexual if you are looking for a long term relationship, so in this case it doesn’t make sense to only present the physical aspects when you answer an ad. She will be interested in what you like eventually, but initially concentrate on her, its what she wants primarily that counts, not the other way round. The internet and publications such as this one will help you in your search. Stay open to possibilities, use all the avenues open to you, and be willing to adjust (not compromise) your expectations to meet the contingencies of life.

You are more likely to seem interesting because of a shared interest in jazz, sports or hobby. If you can’t remember that you are writing to a living woman, a human being and not a fetish model you shouldn’t even bother sending the email.

The whole article: Meeting A Dominant Woman

Fetishist vs. Submissive : Muddy Thinking?


This captures distinctions and nuances that aren't reduced to simple black and white judgements:

In my thinking, "fetishist" is a broader term than "submissive" in the sense that a submissive has fetishized certain specific things -- servitude, giving up of power in a relationship, humiliation. A submissive is still a fetishist, ultimately, just one with a particular focus.

So one way I interpret your comment is that you feel there are significant numbers of ostensibly submissive guys who have not in fact fetishized these sorts of abstractions that comprise submission; but are instead more into fetishizing objects, or particularly the objectification of their partner as a fetish-object. If this is the sense you intend, then I largely agree.


It's a difficult distinction because there is, in fact, a gradation (rather than a distinction) as to what people have as their "core fetish" (if there is such a thing). Jon Jacobs solves this problem by saying that a true submissive has by definition fetishized total powerlessness at a very deep level. But I'm not sure how useful such a narrow definition is -- it tends to lead to a correspondingly narrow paradigm as to what should constitute d/s practice.

Adding to the definitional problem is a certain cultural effect. I believe society as a whole tends towards objectifying female sexuality, more so than male sexuality. When this tendency is interposed with a female dominant / male submissive dynamic, often the result is a powerful objectification of the female dominant -- creating a strong image of a fetish-object top, which is both sought after by the submissive partner, and used by the dominant partner to control the submissive's responses.

While there is of course nothing wrong with this, there _can_ be a conflict of interest between being the dominant partner in a d/s exchange, and being highly objectified. I believe (again, just my current opinion) that female dominants find themselves grappling with this potential conflict, more so than male dominants. (I also believe this effect is partly responsible above-mentioned "bad image" that fetishists, particularly male-submissive-fetishists, sometimes end up with.)

The worst ever slave, and responsibility

Looking for Submissive Men Can Be Stressful


Over ten years ago a dominant woman was looking for submissive guys online. These were her experiences:

I am doubting the existence of any men who are willing to submit, and are whole people. I have been told I am too demanding, or not dom enough, ad nauseum. I feel like I’ve tried it all - being myself (a total multi-faceted person), more private, more understanding, more dom … I used to think I understood a lot about human nature. Now, like Akasha’s situation, they all seem totally self-absorbed, in it just for themselves with no regard for the other person’s feelings. Without exception, all my simple requests (for a letter, or a few questions answered, etc.) have been met with resistance.

This is just a request for other Dom(mes) to share their experience and/or advice, including their difficulties or successes in finding partners. (Saw a few happy endings here not long ago. Any others?) Have you had the same problems that I’ve had getting to know folks on the web, not to mention moving beyond that stage? I feel like nobody else could’ve had this much crap to dig through. I wish that were true, but I’d also like to hear that I’m not alone in this.


I never thought finding a partner would be easy. I DID think at least a few of those I corresponded with would be sincere, honest, and relatively well-balanced. If what I’ve seen so far is any indication, there exists no such creature. Almost without exeption they have begun with claims like, “You don’t know how serious I am”, and “This desire has been with me since I was a teenager”, etc. Ha! One “wrong” word and they disappear like water down a drain! I wouldn’t resent the investment of time if I had come across even one guy who was honest. They all seem to be misogynists - waiting for any excuse to release their venom on you (me). And not having been able to find any good research on bdsm participants, I am beginning to wonder…

It has been my policy not to respond to guys who didn’t bother to write one simple email to introduce themselves. For a while, if they IM’d me, I would tell them I would welcome an email. More often than not, they ignore that - either continue to IM, or not write, or write once - usually calling ME insincere, and worse. I got so weary of that that I made a ‘form’ letter to try to explain, nicely, why requesting an email w/ their interests, etc., was reasonable. So far, that has resulted in just another jumping off point for them to insult me. And nearly all of them have criticized me or disappeared when I wouldn’t send them a picture right away. (It seems only prudent to protect my privacy until I get to know someone.)

l have been called ‘stupid’ for refusing to give out my phone #, criticized for misuse of a word in an IM, and most often insulted because I did not want to respond in the way they desired. Lately, when I took the time to write a letter explaining my viewpoint, it was simply deleted. Another guy I wrote a fairly long letter to simply deleted his screen name. And one reason I’m as cautious as I am now about my time is - one guy who ‘chatted’ for weeks (in the beginning of my search for info), one day said, “Surprise! I am not who I claim to be! I’m already collared, and MY MISTRESS was allowing me to ‘lead you on’ to ‘teach you about the unscrupulous people online’. Very amusing. (Since then, I have seen numerous ads that he has placed w/ various personas; this really makes me think that none of the ads are sincere - that there are just a few weirdos out there doing ALL the ads and IMs and writing! Too bad there isn’t a database/listing for us to warn one another about these strange ones.) Yet another, after weeks of thinking I knew him as a friend, revealed that he and another female friend liked to set up chat rooms with various fake interests, and lead people on that way. Cute.

There were three other guys (over 40yo for the record) that I spent several weeks writing and trying to get to know (one at a time). Two were big fans of Akasha, and they all claimed to have been looking for this kind of relationship for a long time. I took that to mean they had a clue. Ha! I finally figured that they were all three frauds. To one, being submissive meant (if we actually met, etc)., that he was accustomed to sexual release [masturbation] 3x/d min., and expected every session to end w/ me grabbing his hair and grinding my crotch in his face. That was his idea of being ‘collared’. Another first accused me of not being dom enough to ‘handle him’ (big tough ceo that he was), so I showed him more of that side, just for him to ‘pull out’ the ‘sick ex-wife needs attention/can’t get involved right now’ routine. The third shared 3 major hobbies w/ me, in addition to D/s. He also dropped out of sight w/ no ‘thank you, ma’am”. Not once has a guy ever just said, “Thanks for your time, but I don’t think we’re compatible.” Insults and disappearing acts, that’s been it! Wolves in sheep’s clothing…

One other quick question. Have you folks found that most of the guys who are into the life are young? I’m over 40 and ideally would hope to find a guy near my age, or older, but most who respond have been 20-30. (And rather than tell me about their minds, hearts, and philosophies, brag about how in shape they are, which is about the last thing on my list of criteria.)

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